In my journey of falling in love with passionate, meaningful love, I did a lot of self-reflecting. I have experienced a lot of loss in my life, whether it be friends or family. Everyone has an experience with loss. I struggled with a lack of self-confidence, especially with men. Despite being considered pretty growing up and as an adult, and receiving attention from many older men, my parents' divorce during my childhood left a lasting impact.
Love, in its true form, has the power to heal and provide everything for someone. It fills the voids left by loss and builds confidence where there was once doubt. This kind of love isn't just romantic; it's the love from friends, family, and most importantly, self-love. Through self-reflection, I learned that love begins with understanding and accepting oneself.
The first loved one that I lost was my great-grandmother on my mother’s side. She died when I was eight. Growing up, I heard countless stories from my mother about how she loved to bake and made the best cookies. Her love language was primarily acts of service, and she believed that a cookie was the best medicine and serotonin booster. Unfortunately, I did not experience that side of my great-grandmother. She had a stroke when I was a newborn, which caused paralysis on the right side of her body, and her Parkinson’s went full force. She was catty, but man, did she love hard.
She used to get food deliveries from the Schwan's truck, which had the best ice cream pops. I used to sneak some when I visited her house. She also started my habit of drinking Ensures—the strawberry ones just hit different. Despite her physical limitations, I hung out with her after school every day and looked forward to it. She used to play Old Maid, Go Fish, and all the card games I had. When she lost the ability to fulfill her love language of acts of service, she adapted and loved me through quality time.
My great-grandmother had that classic old person smell and often smelled like mothballs. My cousin Julia used to plug her nose because she didn’t like the smell. I used to hit her hands, teaching her respect. One valuable lesson I learned as a kid was to respect your elders. They have lived their lives, experienced everything you have, and more. The point of being a parent is to help you become better parents than they were. Learn from their mistakes. They’ve made a lot of them—they are human.
I also lost my uncle when I was 11. He died young and did not always make the best life choices, but he was the life of the party, just like his mother. He ended up going away for a little while, and the place he went had scheduled phone calls on a recorded, monitored line, if you catch my drift. Despite his questionable choices, he had the ability to be empathetic and love others; he just didn’t love himself. One afternoon, after I got off the bus at 2:30 (back then, staying home alone at my age was normal), he called. First, he thought it was my mother, and when I told him who it was, he greeted me with “Hey, beautiful.” I explained when mom got out of work but said I would let her know he called. For weeks, he called me at the same time every day. One afternoon, I asked him why he greeted me like that. He responded, “Because you are beautiful, and don’t you dare ever forget that.”
Like I said, I have always struggled with self-confidence. The first man that let me down in my life was my father. It has taken me years to feel confident enough in myself and strong enough to understand that I need to love him for what he is. He is my father. I have learned to accept things at face value, and I choose to love him for all of his flaws. But damn, was it hard. My dad is not a bad guy at all. He just lacks self-respect and is such a hopeless romantic that he is afraid of full commitment. He has walls that he refuses to break down because deep down, he has big emotions.
Despite these challenges, I have great memories of my dad. He is a huge jokester and loves a good belly laugh. He also likes to playfully pick on people—whitt, I think it's called. He loves me dearly, and I know that if I was hurt in any way, he’d be there for me. I often call him when I need a good cry.
Last year, my dad had some issues with depression. And again, actions have consequences. He ended up in a very scary situation. This memory is a permanent scar but was a huge reminder. In the quiet moments, I've been reflecting on the profound struggles some people face within the hidden corridors of their minds. It's a heartbreaking reminder that we never truly know the weight of the burdens carried silently by those around us. Please, reach out to those you care about, let them feel your warmth, your understanding. Every heartbeat, every tear, every whispered fear matters. To anyone feeling this weight, know that your story is valued, your pain is seen, and you are enveloped in a world of people who care. Let's hold space for one another and remember that in our most vulnerable moments, someone out there is in your corner. I was in my dad’s corner.
From this point in time, I myself have walls, especially with my dad. But reminding yourself that you are worthy of love, and that you are a bad bitch will help you get through the walls. My mom always used to tell me to put on my big girl panties. My mom will be a whole other topic. We will get there, I promise. I am slowly breaking my walls down with the simple reminder that he is my father, and I was his fastest swimmer. If you think about that in a beautiful way rather than a perverted way, you’d realize how much of a badass you are.
Understanding oneself is paramount. You always need to be your first priority. In EMT training, the first thing you learn is scene safety. If the scene is not safe, you must not engage until you are sure it’s safe. Because you are your first priority. Similarly, in life and relationships, taking care of yourself first ensures you are in the best position to take care of others.
Self-reflecting often and asking questions like, “Where do I want to be in ten years?” and “What’s the picture I have painted?” are crucial. Is this painting the most beautiful painting I’ve ever seen? Or is there a dead tree in the back, or my sun not shining as bright as it can? These reflections help you align your actions with your goals, making sure your life’s picture is as vibrant and fulfilling as possible.
We navigate life with our hearts but articulate it with our minds. This means that while our emotions and experiences shape our journey, it’s our words and actions that communicate our truths to the world. As a couple, you need to paint a clear picture for your partner. There should be no miscommunication or misunderstanding on anyone’s part. You need to be vulnerable with one another, allowing open and free communication where both of you feel heard. Think before you speak—words cut deeper than a knife. Actions are mostly forgotten, but words stick with someone.
As an overthinker, I often get lost in my thoughts, probably making it to China a couple of times around. But I've learned that clear communication and vulnerability are key to overcoming the barriers that overthinking creates. This kind of transparency and honesty is crucial in building a strong and lasting relationship.
Stay tuned as I explore how love can transform lives, provide comfort, and be the foundation for building a meaningful existence. Let's delve into the complexities and beauty of love together.
Join the conversation about love in all its forms. ❤️
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